'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
