did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
