i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
