I think I won the penis lottery.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
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He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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