Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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