Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
