I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
