I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
