i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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