Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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