dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
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I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
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I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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