please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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