Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
