hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
