the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
