Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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