...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
