Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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