When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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