somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
