She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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