Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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