if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Randomize
