I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
