I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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