sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Randomize
