Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize