So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
