I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
