I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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