mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
