meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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