the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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