I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
