OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
