textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
me + whiskey = a bad person
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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