Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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