It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
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I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
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He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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