I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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