last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
