Will you blow on my dice?
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
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