this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
