1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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