mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
COCAINE IS GR8
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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