My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
