I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
