just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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