Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
