He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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