I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
