If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
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Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
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All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize