she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
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Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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