my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
This is the high leading the old right now
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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