my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize