How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Pooping to opera.
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