Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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