I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
