yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
