How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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