i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
