Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
