just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
